17 May 2010

Into the Deep


I’m taking part in Momalom’s Five for Ten Challenge (although a little late in the game!).  Today’s theme is lust.

What do you lust for?

Is it sexual?  It is material (hello gorgeous shoes!)?  It is time just for yourself?  Or on the flip side, time with someone else?

The thing I lust over is that which I am most afraid.  Depth.  Connection.  Vulnerability.

I long to know you.  To have deep, layered conversations about the meaning of life, rather than the weather.  I suck at idle chit chat.  I’m terrible in group settings.  I flail without the one on one.

But I often stay silent, for fear of the possibility of rejection or perhaps…raw emotion.  I want it and I push it away.  I crave it and I despise it.

Because it commits you.  Once you are in, you’re in.  You have it from someone else and you have to show and tell and share in return.

J has started to crack the surface.  I am learning to trust.  I am starting to share.  But the fear lingers.

Why?  Many of us have loved and lost.  From friends to lovers to broken families.  Some seem to pick up the pieces and put it all together so easily.  Others build shields and kneepads and retaining walls around their hearts.

Every day I go deeper.  Age brings confidence, which brings less fear.  One day I will get there.

What do you lust for?

Written with love,


  1. beautifully written.

    i lust for security. reliability. assurance.

    xo Alison

  2. Since I am some what of a perv, I lust all day long for my Sportsman.

    When we are together nothing else in the world matters.

  3. I can totally identify. I also am horrible at small talk and still fake my way through group settings. It's hard to find real connections out there! I'm new to blogging and I wonder if you've found those deep, layered conversations online at all?

  4. This is so rich with want and meaning and questions. I have felt this, too. This want for a closer connection. It is a risk to put yourself out there. Even to admit that you want to. But we must keep trying, because lust actualized is good stuff!

  5. Yes, it was a hard post to put out there - but thanks to Momalom for the encouragement and planting the seed. I love hearing about what makes you all lusty!


  6. What a great post! I think all of us long to known and be known. It isn't easy, filled with so much vulnerability, and we push it away. But the deep desire is there, nonetheless. I think it's part of being human.


Thanks so much for stopping by, I love reading all your comments! If you have a specific question, please email me at lhume1@mts.net. XO Lenore